heisthebest (heisthebest) wrote in adoption_choice,

It's been just over 2 weeks. I gave birth to the most beautiful baby boy on June 11th at 9:35am. I named him Jackson Phillip. He was 6lbs 10oz and 19 inches long with black hair and the dark eyes. He stayed with me in the hospital for 2 days and then left with Gwynne & Howard. Signing those papers and kissing him goodbye tucked into his car seat and watching the car drive away...was the most heart breaking thing I could have ever even imagined. I though I knew hurt from the end of my relationship, but everything pales in comparison to placing my son. MY SON. That's the thought that keeps shaking me..."I have a son...and yet I can't hold him or kiss him or see him..." I have never felt so empty or alone. I had to spend 5 more days in the hospital after he left (I developed pre-eclampsia AFTER I delivered) and all I did was cry. They put me on zoloft and I've started seeing a therapist... I"m having such a hard time sleeping (even with the Ambien that was prescribed.) I wake up reaching out for him and he's not there. The social worker from the hospital gave me a teddy bear about his size. I hug it and hold it, just to have something in my arms. I still talk to Gwynne every couple of days. He is doing great, gaining weight and the Bris went well. She said he barely even cried. I was a wreck that day (it was held on father's day)...I could stand the thought of him hurting, but she said he did ok. He's such a great baby, she says he's sleeping 3 and a half hours at a time, and hardly ever cries. I want so badly to hold him. They sent me pictures too. He is so gorgeous I don't even know what to say. I'm trying not to push Gwynne by asking too many questions or calling...I know she doesn't have to stay in contact with me, so I don't want to scare her off. I pray they decide to let me see him after awhile...they said they would consider it, but I'm almost afraid to hope for it. Gwynne says everybody keeps telling her what to do...with the baby and with me. Everybody tells her to change her phone number, and not to talk to me, and not to tell me anything about the baby or what they named him. WHAT THE HELL?! I gave them my child...Nobody else knows the relationship that Gwynne and I have or who I am as a person...How dare they act as if I'm some awful person that is going to come steal the baby or try to interfere in their life?! I miss Jackson more than I can express, but I know that I made the best decision for him, and I'm not going to ruin that by doing something stupid or selfish. I just feel so EMPTY. I even miss being pregnant, which is funny, because I kept saying that I hated being pregnant and I couldn't wait to deliver. I keep putting my hand to my stomach expecting to feel him, but he's not there. I've gone back to seeing my friends (almost no one knew, I told them I was training out of town, and stayed at Kathi's house. Kathi was the woman that helped me through the whole pregnancy, and introduced me to Gwynne and Howard, and helped me deliver and all of that.) again, but it all feels like an act. My body is back to normal...all but 2 lbs of my pregnancy weight is gone. I thought I would be so excited to have my body back, but I hate it. I miss him. I just can't get past that...everything seems so stupid...even things like eating...I realized the other day that I had gone a full 48 hours without eating and I didn't care. Now, I'm forcing food down my own throat. I knew I would hurt, but I just didn't realize. I know I made the right decision for him, and everyone keeps telling me it will get easier, I guess all I have to do is wait and push on......

Sorry this post is so rambling and long...I still have so much emotion that I can't supress. Thanks for listening...I've been meaning to post this since I came home, but I just couldn't get past the first line. 

http://i5.tinypic.com/161dhtk.jpg Just barely 2 hours old...so red and he has a cone head from the delivery. And yet I thought he was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

http://i5.tinypic.com/161dflz.jpg He wasn't even an hour old and he had his thumb in his mouth...

http://i5.tinypic.com/161dk3p.jpg The ceiling tile I painted and hung at the hospital.

http://i3.tinypic.com/161dlki.jpg And my favorite picture of the new pictures...He is 12 days old here. He changed so much in so short a time.

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Oh honey he is so beautiful. All I can say is I have been a birthmother for 10 years now and don't ever apoligize for your posts because that is what is going to help you in the long run. Getting your feelings out, crying and doing whatever you need to do to let it be known that you have pain is the best thing for yourself. I belong to a message board on hotmail that is full of great bmoms and amoms. It may be something you may want to consider and even tell the amom about it. It may help her get through her own emotions to talk to some other amoms that have been through it. Much love and many prayers sweetie.

My son Ryan will turn 17 this year. I remember that first year very clearly. Mine was a closed adoption, so I have no idea how it went for them, just for me.

Trying to put my hands on the "belly shelf" when it isn't there. Feeling lonely because I wasn't pregnant any more and wanted him back. Not eating for days on end, just because I wasn't hungry. Being tired beyond belief and just wanting to sleep. I remember it all.

And I can tell you this, it does get easier. I promise you, it does. Whatever you and Gwynne decide to do about the contact is UP TO YOU AND HER. You know her. Others don't, not the way you do. Time and the tide will pass, and the lump in your throat and the ache in your heart will begin to settle. One day you will look up and realize "He's two!", then "Wow, he's five..." and then before you know it, he's 17 and a senior in high school.

Much love from another who has done it, too.

Hey girl, I placed almost 6 months ago and the first 2 months were by far the hardest. I STILL put my hand on my belly as if trying to protect her when I walk through crowds and people bump into me.
If you need anyone to talk too I am here, I went through my pregnancy too without a lot of my friends knowing, and that is really hard because I pushed so many people away.
And she should NOT change her phone number and stop giving you updates, that is your child and you blesed their family with him. Cutting you off is not the right thing to do.
If you have any type of messanger or email and need to talk let me know!
Thank you everyone for listening/caring/supporting me...I need it. I have created a new journal just for Jackson and my feelings...I'm considering typing my letters to him there, as well as expressing all my other thoughts on being a birthmom. So, if you see this account, know that it's me.
I'm so glad you found us here.

Also, now that you are a birthmother, you can join birthmothers and talk to others in a more private setting.

While you may feel weak, I see someone in you who is very wise and going to do well.

It's totally normal for other people who have No Clue what adoption is and should be about to tell new adoptive parents what to do, and for people to "naturally" think that the birthmother is a threat when she is not.

And really, it's not about making us happy, but doing what is best for the child - which everyone on all sides seems to forget. Obviously it would benefit your son to have contact with you later in life so there are no huge questions about where he came from and what kind of person you are.

Sadly, sometimes we really need to hold back and not ask for too much from the adoptive parents because we might jeopardize that relationship and ultimately end up inadvertently hurting our children with lack of contact - not just ourselves.

It is very hard early on, but I PROMISE it gets easier. It seems anti-intuitive, but sometimes less contact with the adoptive family helps you to heal and move on and focus on yourself ... you also need to give them time to adjust and feel like a "normal" family. I think all of this has to happen eventually (and sooner rather than later) for everyone to be healthy and well-adjusted. The adoptive parents are going through a lot too, and there is a huge burden on their hearts that this child is not their own, and because it IS such a big gift sometimes they feel like they don't deserve it and feel sad when they are reminded (by birthparents or others) that the child is "not really theirs."

So, if I were to give you advice on what might make you feel better sooner, it might be slightly less contact and keep yourself REALLY busy with things that will invest in a better future for you .... such as work, or even better, school.

I don't know how old you are or where you are in your education, but I know that throwing myself into school with renewed vigor, purpose, and identity was the best medicine I could have had. It worked 10000x better than anti-depressants and therapy for me. I wasn't such a great student before, but when I threw myself into my studies, I found I had less pain and more new, positive, productive interests. This has worked wonders for me and now I'm doing really well (5 years later). I'm also glad I gave the adoptive parents a lot of space, because I can tell that they really enjoy reaching out to me now and initiating, knowing that it will eventually benefit my birth daughter. I'm really glad I didn't do anything to seem desperate or jeopardize this peaceful relationship.

Anyway - that's a lot !!! But just remember, take care of yourself, and don't think you need to be feeling better by a certain time or handling this in a certain way.

I can just tell you - and I've heard from a lot of birthmothers over the 4 years of the birthmothers community -- that getting busy with school is much better medicine than sitting around, taking time off and trying to "heal." I thought I needed time to heal, but that just made me feel worse and more and more depressed.

Find a hobby, classes, anything, and I can almost promise you that you will feel better - even if it sounds like too much right now.

And most importantly - welcome! And we're defintely here to help you and encourage you along the way, and to tell you what you can expect, and what helped us in our own situations.

Take care, sweetie. We're here for you.

Oh, and he's BEAUTIFUL. You're right, absolutely perfect. :)
I just saw your membership request for birthmothers and approved it, so feel free to post and browse the old entries.