heisthebest (heisthebest) wrote in adoption_choice,

It's been just over 2 weeks. I gave birth to the most beautiful baby boy on June 11th at 9:35am. I named him Jackson Phillip. He was 6lbs 10oz and 19 inches long with black hair and the dark eyes. He stayed with me in the hospital for 2 days and then left with Gwynne & Howard. Signing those papers and kissing him goodbye tucked into his car seat and watching the car drive away...was the most heart breaking thing I could have ever even imagined. I though I knew hurt from the end of my relationship, but everything pales in comparison to placing my son. MY SON. That's the thought that keeps shaking me..."I have a son...and yet I can't hold him or kiss him or see him..." I have never felt so empty or alone. I had to spend 5 more days in the hospital after he left (I developed pre-eclampsia AFTER I delivered) and all I did was cry. They put me on zoloft and I've started seeing a therapist... I"m having such a hard time sleeping (even with the Ambien that was prescribed.) I wake up reaching out for him and he's not there. The social worker from the hospital gave me a teddy bear about his size. I hug it and hold it, just to have something in my arms. I still talk to Gwynne every couple of days. He is doing great, gaining weight and the Bris went well. She said he barely even cried. I was a wreck that day (it was held on father's day)...I could stand the thought of him hurting, but she said he did ok. He's such a great baby, she says he's sleeping 3 and a half hours at a time, and hardly ever cries. I want so badly to hold him. They sent me pictures too. He is so gorgeous I don't even know what to say. I'm trying not to push Gwynne by asking too many questions or calling...I know she doesn't have to stay in contact with me, so I don't want to scare her off. I pray they decide to let me see him after awhile...they said they would consider it, but I'm almost afraid to hope for it. Gwynne says everybody keeps telling her what to do...with the baby and with me. Everybody tells her to change her phone number, and not to talk to me, and not to tell me anything about the baby or what they named him. WHAT THE HELL?! I gave them my child...Nobody else knows the relationship that Gwynne and I have or who I am as a person...How dare they act as if I'm some awful person that is going to come steal the baby or try to interfere in their life?! I miss Jackson more than I can express, but I know that I made the best decision for him, and I'm not going to ruin that by doing something stupid or selfish. I just feel so EMPTY. I even miss being pregnant, which is funny, because I kept saying that I hated being pregnant and I couldn't wait to deliver. I keep putting my hand to my stomach expecting to feel him, but he's not there. I've gone back to seeing my friends (almost no one knew, I told them I was training out of town, and stayed at Kathi's house. Kathi was the woman that helped me through the whole pregnancy, and introduced me to Gwynne and Howard, and helped me deliver and all of that.) again, but it all feels like an act. My body is back to normal...all but 2 lbs of my pregnancy weight is gone. I thought I would be so excited to have my body back, but I hate it. I miss him. I just can't get past that...everything seems so stupid...even things like eating...I realized the other day that I had gone a full 48 hours without eating and I didn't care. Now, I'm forcing food down my own throat. I knew I would hurt, but I just didn't realize. I know I made the right decision for him, and everyone keeps telling me it will get easier, I guess all I have to do is wait and push on......

Sorry this post is so rambling and long...I still have so much emotion that I can't supress. Thanks for listening...I've been meaning to post this since I came home, but I just couldn't get past the first line. 

http://i5.tinypic.com/161dhtk.jpg Just barely 2 hours old...so red and he has a cone head from the delivery. And yet I thought he was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

http://i5.tinypic.com/161dflz.jpg He wasn't even an hour old and he had his thumb in his mouth...

http://i5.tinypic.com/161dk3p.jpg The ceiling tile I painted and hung at the hospital.

http://i3.tinypic.com/161dlki.jpg And my favorite picture of the new pictures...He is 12 days old here. He changed so much in so short a time.

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